<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>One-Word Prayer by Khyarra</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28284681">One-Word Prayer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khyarra/pseuds/Khyarra'>Khyarra</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coda, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, M/M, Winged Castiel (Supernatural)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:15:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,117</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28284681</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khyarra/pseuds/Khyarra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How Supernatural should have ended: Dean arrives in heaven and finally confronts his feelings about Cas.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>One-Word Prayer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>One-Word Prayer</strong>
</p><p>“So Jack did all that?” Dean asked, looking at Bobby, trying to comprehend what he was saying. All these things about heaven… a real, <em>proper</em> heaven. <em>This</em> heaven.</p><p>Bobby’s eyes grew a little softer. “Well, Cas helped.”</p><p>Deans breath stopped for a moment, his lungs frozen in his chest. Much too slowly the meaning of what Bobby had said caught up with him. <em>Cas is not in the Empty anymore.</em> This single thought shattered the mental walls he had built up around the topic like they were made of glass. And from behind them a gush of water came crushing over him, pushing him under every time he came up to breathe.</p><p>He had to go. Without saying a word, Dean got up, stomped down the stairs of Bobby’s front porch and just started walking. The walls were shattered, and the shards were piercing and cutting up his insides. He couldn’t think, could hardly put one foot in front of the other. And then he saw the Impala, standing there, waiting for him. He opened the door, let himself sink in the seat and turned the keys. Baby’s purring engine sounded so familiar, so comforting. Dean turned the music up as loud as it would go, loud enough to drown out his racing heartbeat. And he drove off.</p><p>Dean hadn’t thought about Cas since… since it all happened. Every time the thought had come up, he had pushed it away with all his might. He had gritted his teeth, held his head up high, kept on going, kept on hunting. He had known that he couldn’t let it in – it would have consumed him, ripped him to pieces. He had lost too many people already. He couldn’t lose him, too. Not him.</p><p>The trees rushed past quicker with every second, until they were only blurry shadows in the dusk. Dean’s knuckles turned white from how hard he was holding onto the steering wheel. He had lost the battle in his head. The thoughts came rushing in faster and faster now, so fast he couldn’t even hear the music anymore, they were turning and turning in his head.</p><p>
  <em>I love you.            Goodbye, Dean. </em>
</p><p>And with the thoughts came the pain. It was as if his heart was poisoned and with every heartbeat the venom spread throughout his body. Dean’s vision became blurry, and then his strength left him, his muscles gave up. His foot released the accelerator. His body sank down until his forehead touched the wheel, the car slowing until it finally came to a stop, on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, in the dark. And there, Dean started crying.</p><p>Deep, painful sobs shook his whole body, his face contorted by pain, his right hand pressed to his chest like he was trying to stop himself from bleeding out. Cas had been his best friend, his family. And when Cas had said that he loved him, Dean’s world had changed. Everything had shifted ever so slightly, every little part, but it had been too much. He hadn’t been able to process how he felt about all this, about Cas, about himself. And then it had been too late. Cas had been gone, and Dean had pushed it all away.</p><p><em>But Cas is not in the Empty anymore. He is alive, somewhere.</em> Dean felt his chest relax a little, and he was able to take a few breaths. He wiped his eyes roughly with the back of his hand and sat up straight, looking out into the darkness. He thought about getting out of the car and saying a prayer, but he didn’t move. He wasn’t ready to face Cas yet. There were things he needed to figure out. Things he thought he didn’t have to figure out because he would never see Cas again. But now, everything was different.</p><p> </p><p>While Dean was driving back, the day was breaking. The sky was covered in orange-burning clouds. It was weird – time really worked differently up here. When the Impala stopped in front of Bobby’s house, Bobby was already waiting for Dean. The old man raised his bottle of beer in a way of greeting him and gave him a nod. “You’re back.”</p><p>“I am. So, where’s breakfast?”</p><p> </p><p>Bobby watched Dean wolfing down an enormous amount of bacon and eggs and a big piece of pie, then he showed Dean the house that had been designated for him, which was only a stone’s throw from Bobby’s. From the outside, it looked a bit like Dean’s and Sam’s childhood home in Kansas, but different, exactly in the way Dean wanted it to be different. Inside, it very much resembled the bunker, but with fewer weapons and demon’s traps and more places to sit or lie down and relax.</p><p>Dean looked around and touched something here and there, half expecting it to vanish at his touch. He picked up a cowboy’s hat from a shelf and poked it a few times, just to be sure. “This is weird”, he said, referring to the whole house.</p><p>Bobby had been following him around. “I know. I felt the same when I came here. It’s almost like it’s too perfect.”</p><p>Dean gave a snort, grinned and put the hat on. “Is there even something like ‘too perfect’?”</p><p>Bobby just shrugged. “You get used to it though. It’s not bad. A bit boring at times, without all the demons and monsters.”</p><p>Dean nodded, still taking in his new home.</p><p>“I’ll leave you to it then. Come over to my place whenever you want.” Bobby stepped outside and closed the door.</p><p>Dean was glad Bobby hadn’t asked about him running off like that, or if he had gone to see his parents yet. As much as he wanted to see them, he needed to make things right with Cas first. Figure out what was what. He had to see him. Soon. But there was someone else he needed to talk to first. And he knew with this messed-up heaven time-warp it wouldn’t take long until he showed up.</p><p> </p><p>~~~</p><p> </p><p>They were sitting on the stairs that lead up to the front porch of Dean’s house. Dean looked at Sammy, still smiling, while his little brother summed up the rest of his life. He tried to listen, but his mind wandered between the happiness of having his brother here with him and the tight feeling in his chest that reminded him that there was something he had to do.</p><p>“Dean? Are you alright?” Sam furrowed his brow like he always did when he was worried.</p><p>Dean clenched his jaws and avoided Sam’s gaze, looking over his brother’s shoulder. “There’s something I have to tell you.”</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>Sam didn’t push when Dean took a few moments struggling for the right words. Dean knew he wasn’t good at working through stuff on his own, but talking to Sammy… it made it easier. He just had to get started, then he wouldn’t be able to turn back.</p><p>“Cas is not in the Empty anymore. He got out.”</p><p>Sam wanted to respond, but Dean quickly cut him off. “I don’t know how, and I haven’t spoken to him yet. That’s what I wanted to tell you. When Cas…” Dean stopped and let the angel’s name linger in the air for a moment, not sure how to continue. But he couldn’t allow himself to chicken out now. “When he sacrificed himself for us, for everyone…” Dean inhaled sharply and his eyes flickered up to meet Sam’s, then down to his shoes. He felt the words clog up in his throat. An eternity went by, an eternity filled with pain and fear and confusion. He didn’t know how he finally managed to force out the words, but when he did, his voice was hoarse and even deeper than usual. “He told me that he loved me.”</p><p>Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw how Sam froze for a second, with his mouth slightly open, his eyes narrowed like he was processing this information. Then the corners of Sam’s lips curled up for a second into a sad smile, nodding his head softly. A few seconds passed in silence.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me, Dean?” Sam said it softly, not accusingly, just asking for an explanation.</p><p>Dean clenched his jaws again, swallowed hard. He still couldn’t look Sam in the eyes. “I don’t know. I felt like shit, believe me, but I just couldn’t… I don’t <em>know</em>, okay?”</p><p>He felt anger rising in him, but he knew it wasn’t Sam he was mad at. He exhaled, lifted his right hand and rubbed his face. “No, that’s a load of crap. God damnit, Sammy!”</p><p>Dean jumped up and turned to look into the forest, his back towards Sam, his hands clenched into fists.</p><p>He heard Sam getting up too, but not taking a step towards him. “Dean, you don’t have to tell me.”</p><p>Dean just shook his head. This had been going on for too long already. It was like a knife in his stomach, being turned and twisted on and on, making him feel like a liar every time he opened his mouth, every time he spoke Cas’s name. He had to say it.</p><p>Dean closed his eyes. He felt every muscle in his body tightening. His heart was racing in his chest. Fight or flight. He was used to this feeling, but usually it was related to hunting some kind of monster. This time he was only hunting his own demons. And he chose to fight.</p><p> “I didn’t tell you… because I think I might feel something for him, too.”</p><p>Dean’s lungs compressed, forcing all the air out of his body. He heard the echo of his words in his head. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was feeling for Cas, but he knew that it couldn’t be described by just a few words. It wasn’t simple. It wasn’t just friendship. And that was scaring the crap out of him. The ground under his feet started to shift, and he had to concentrate to keep his balance. Then Sam’s hand gently squeezed his shoulder.</p><p>“Dean, I, uh… You know I don’t have a problem with that, right? You have every right to love whomever you want. Whoever makes you happy. You hear me?” He was using his softest, most comforting voice, his ‘mom voice’, as Dean sometimes called it. He regularly made fun of Sam for it, but right now, it was exactly what he needed. </p><p>Dean finally managed to take a breath and the ground steadied again. He swallowed and focused on breathing in and breathing out again.</p><p>Sam’s grip on his shoulder was firmer now. “Dean. It’s okay.”</p><p>Dean opened his eyes and slowly turned around, and Sam pulled him into a tight hug. They held on to each other for a few moments, like they had done so many times before.</p><p>Finally, Dean let go. He took one step back and could finally look at his brother again. There was no judgement in Sam’s eyes, no disgust, no disappointment, nothing. Just kindness. This was Sammy, after all. Dean should have known. This was exactly what he loved his little brother for. What he admired about him. It’s what made him different from himself, and from their dad.</p><p><em>Dad</em>. Dean flexed his hand. He hesitated, afraid of the answer, but then he asked, “Do you think Dad will-”</p><p>Sam shook his head with a determined look on his face. “He’ll have to accept it. He will. We’ll make him understand.”</p><p>Dean nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. Hey, thank you for… well, this.” He moved his head to indicate all that just happened.</p><p>Sam just smiled his tentative smile.</p><p>Dean cleared his throat. “Oh, and Sam?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“If you tell anyone about this, I will kill you.”</p><p>Sam snorted and gave his brother a half-grin. “Sure, man.”</p><p> </p><p>~~~</p><p> </p><p>Dean was standing in the middle of the forest, shades of dark green and brown all around him, a gentle breeze rustling through the leaves. He had needed some quiet, away from everyone. He had tried to understand what was going on inside of him, his thoughts circling around Cas in a never-ending loop, pacing and pacing in between the trees. But then he had stopped. <em>This isn’t working.</em> <em>I need to see him.</em></p><p>Dean lifted his head to the sky, even though that didn’t really make sense, because he was up here in heaven and Cas was down on Earth. It just felt right. Dean closed his eyes, but then he hesitated, Cas’s name on his lips, unspoken. Would he even come? He hadn’t shown up until now, hadn’t even given him a sign that he was alive. Maybe he had more important things to do. Or maybe he had changed his mind.</p><p>Dean gritted his teeth. He needed to know. Now was the time. He inhaled the earthy forest air and whispered: “Cas?”</p><p>His one-word prayer lingered in the air. One second passed, then another, then a third. His heart sank. A fourth, a fifth. The forest was silent all of a sudden, all he could hear was the blood pumping in his ears. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Then the sound of wings flapping. He opened his eyes, and there he was, standing just an arm’s length away from him, looking at him with a gentle, but sad look.</p><p>“Dean.”</p><p>There were so many things Dean wanted to say, but out of nowhere, he felt hot anger well up in his chest. “What the <em>hell</em>, Cas?! While you were hopping around on Earth, doing whatever shit you thought was important, did you <em>ever</em> think about me? About the fact that I thought you were still in <em>the Empty</em>? Because I sure would have appreciated it if you had zapped your angelic ass up here and TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE OKAY!”</p><p>Cas’s eyes grew harder, sadder, and Dean’s anger was immediately wiped away, like a candle that had been blown out. He shook his head. “I just… I <em>grieved</em> for you.”</p><p>“I know.” Cas smiled a sad smile. “Dean, please try to understand. I knew Bobby would tell you that I was okay. The reason I didn’t come to talk to you was that I wanted to wait until you were ready.” He took one step towards Dean. “What I told you… it was meant to be my last words, but things worked out differently. I’m back. And I wanted you to have the opportunity to figure things out on your own first, and then decide when you wanted to see me again. <em>If</em> you wanted to see me again.”</p><p>Cas was staring at Dean with this intense look of his, but Dean didn’t avert his eyes. Cas reached out with his right hand and gently touched Dean’s left shoulder, the same place he touched when he pushed Dean away the last time they saw each other.</p><p>Cas murmured, “You don’t have to say anything. We can just be what we used to be. Friends. Family. Nothing has to change. I’ve loved you for so long, and I won’t stop, but I know you don’t…”</p><p>“You <em>don’t</em> know.”</p><p>Cas furrowed his brow.</p><p>Dean continued, “You <em>don’t</em> know what I feel for you. Hell, <em>I</em> don’t know what I feel for you! You said the one thing you wanted was what you couldn’t have. But how could you know you couldn’t have me when you never goddamn <em>asked</em>?” He threw up his hands in a helpless gesture.</p><p>Cas watched him, his head tilted to one side, his eyes narrowed, his mouth slightly open. “But you never-“</p><p>“YES, I KNOW. But if I had had a goddamn idea about how you felt… well then maybe… maybe I would have done <em>something</em>, alright?!”</p><p>Cas slowly pulled back his hand and stared into the forest. He didn’t say anything for a while, and all the sounds of the forest seemed loud compared to his silence. When he finally spoke, his voice was very quiet, and Dean had to listen closely to catch his words. “I decided there was no reason to tell you. I understand many humans only feel attracted to… the opposite gender. And you, you only ever talked about women. I got attached to this vessel. I feel right in this body. This <em>male</em> body. So I assumed I would never have a chance with you, and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I very much enjoyed being your friend.”</p><p>“You’re still my friend, Cas. You’ll always be my friend, no matter what happens.”</p><p>Cas looked at Dean again and one corner of his lips curled up ever so slightly. Then his eyes narrowed again. “So you are saying my assumption was… wrong?”</p><p>“I don’t know, Cas. I’m sorry. I’m a freakin’ mess and I don’t know what I feel. Hell, even if I did, I don’t...” Dean stopped himself and looked down on the mossy ground, pressing his lips together. All of a sudden, tears swelled up in his eyes. He felt Cas hesitate, then the angel stepped closer to him, waiting for Dean to lift his head and meet his eyes. Their faces were so close that even with his blurred vision, Dean could see every little sprinkle in Cas’s blue eyes.</p><p>“Dean, I know what you feel. You think you don’t deserve love. But you’re wrong.”</p><p>Dean’s voice was shaking when he said, “All the horrible things I did-“</p><p>“-you did for love. To protect people. Yes, you didn’t always succeed. But you always <em>tried</em>. You gave everything for everyone. I’ve never met anyone who deserved love as much as you do.”</p><p>Cas took the last step to cover the small distance between them and pulled Dean into his arms. Dean closed his eyes and let his arms rise to return the embrace, clasping Cas’s trench coat on his back. Silent tears were streaming down his cheeks, but for once, he didn’t feel embarrassed about them. Cas was here. That was all that mattered. And then he heard a strange noise, like something smooth was cutting the air, and he felt something warm and incredibly soft wrap around him. He opened his eyes and gasped. It was <em>wings</em> - pure white wings that emitted a soft glow. <em>Cas’s</em> wings.</p><p>“What the-“</p><p>Cas just smiled at him, with the most loving expression that Dean had ever seen.</p><p>Dean couldn’t help but smile back. The warmth spread through his whole body. “Cas.” His voice sounded hoarse. “Please stay with me.”</p><p>“I will stay with you as long as you want me, Dean. I promise.”</p><p>And Dean believed him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>~ Thanks for reading! ~ <br/>I really appreciate comments :3</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>